Tuesday, 26 April 2016

You wronged me - so I stole

Jared:

(I can't go on. People are so dumb. Please let the phone lines crash, please!) *Beep* (Mother effing)

Sigh, Jared speaking, how can I help you.

Customer:

Are all your drivers idiots? ARE THEY?

Jared:

(Time to hang myself with the headset cord. Don' take the bait, don't take the bait)

What seems to be the issue sir?

Customer:

You didn't answer my fucking question, you fucker.

Jared:

(Should I tell him I am a fucker? A fucker of men's butts. No, I need to pay the bills,sigh)

I'm sorry if our driver did something to make you angry. Can you please tell me what it is, so I can address it accordingly.

Customer:

What did he dooooo!?

Jared:

Yes sir, that is what I asked.

Customer:

Oh! Oh! I will tell you what he did!

Jared:

Please do.

Customer:

I don't know how many times I told you fuck-tards to not go to the house, to go to the garage. Your stupid driver went to the house, woke up my landlord and now I'm going to get evicted.

Jared:

I am really sorry to hear that, I do see we wrote to go to the garage not the house. I am so sorry for the confusion. I will let the store manager know what happened so he can follow up with the driver.

Customer:

You think an apology is going to find me a new place to live? Also I took the food and didn't pay because of what he did.

Jared:

No I don't. (That would be a talented apology)

Not paying for the food was not the correct thing to do, that is theft. (Why does everyone thing stealing is the answer when they've been wronged?)

Could you tell your landlord what happened, if you look on your bill, it says, go to garage not house, you could show that to him.

Customer:

That's not going to do anything you fuck-tard!

Jared:

I am sorry your landlord doesn't sound like a reasonable person.

Customer:

What did you say to me?

Jared:

I mean I can put a credit of file for the inconvenience. 

Customer:

Are you going to give me a credit for first months rent and damage deposit?

Jared:

No.

Customer:

Then what good is a credit you fuck-tard!

Jared:

(I am going to fuck-tard him through a wall)

It will allow you to purchase more food. 

Customer:

Why would I ever order from you again?

Jared:

Well your file shows you have ordered from us 125 times, and the last 3 times in a row you complained we didn't go to the garage. So you will probably order from us again.

Customer:

I want your manager!

Jared:

They are available Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm.

Customer:

Fuck you! Your ass is mine!

Jared:

Oooh.

Customer:

Fag!

Jared:

Correct.

Customer:

*Click*

Jared:

Time to go drown myself in the toilet.


Tuesday, 19 April 2016

The Recording Was Rude

Jared:

Only 1 minute till I'm done, please don't let me get a... *Beep*

Customer Service Jared speaking how may I help you?


Customer:

Yeah hi, I have a complaint!

Jared:

I am sorry to hear that. What happened?

Customer:

That lady on the recording was rude to me!

Jared:

Um what? Do you mean the person who just transferred you?

Customer:

NO! The lady on the recording, she was rude to me.

Jared:

(Guess I'm not catching my bus)

Um, okay. I don't even, how was the lady on the recording rude to you?

Customer:

She kept interrupting me.

Jared:

(Deep breath)

Um, so, you were trying to have a conversation with the recording?

Customer:

YES! Are you stupid?

Jared:

(Oh the things I want to say right now. I don't even know how not to sound condescending)

No I am not stupid, thank you. 

(Damn it, I took the bait)

If it's a recording, how did you expect to have a conversation with it.

Customer:

What the hell do you mean? I was talking and she rudely interrupted me.

Jared:

But she is not real, it is a recording, as you said. If it's a recording how can it stop and interact with you?

Customer:

What is this nonsense you are spewing? I spoke and she interrupted me. Got it?!

Jared:

(I am going to spew on his face! I don't know whether to cry, punch myself in the face or quit)

SIR! What do you want from me?

Customer:

I just want a freaking apology. 

Jared:

I'm sorry.
(Sorry your such an idiot!)

Customer:

And a free order for next time.

Jared:

(And there we go, what a shocker)

I will pass your feedback along.

Customer:

That's all!?!

Jared:

Yes

Customer:

No!

Jared:

Yes

Customer:

I'm going to get you fired!

Jared:

(Haven't heard that one before)

Okay.

Customer:

Fuck you! *Click*

Jared:

Of course he hung up, right as my bus is supposed to go by. He did fuck me. 


Monday, 11 April 2016

My breadsticks should be round!

Jared:

(So excited, I have two days off in a row for once. One hour left to go in my shift and I've only had that 1 weirdo so far. I can do this!)

Customer Service Jared speaking, how may I help you? 

Customer:

Um yeah, hi!

Jared:

Hello.

Customer:

HI!

Jared:

Hi

Customer:

I am so mad right now. Like so mad. My whole order is wrong. I can't believe this!

Jared:

(Let me guess, we forgot 1 dipping sauce and now her whole order is wrong)

Oh my, I am so sorry to hear that. What is wrong with your order?

Customer:

Oh my God! Where do I even start? First of all my breadsticks aren't round!

Jared:

I am sorry you didn't get your dipping.... um, I mean what?

Customer:

I SAID! My breadsticks aren't round!

Jared:

(Deep breath)

Um what? Why would they be round?

Customer:

Are you stupid??? Why wouldn't they be round, they are supposed to be round!

Jared:

(Be nice, be nice, maybe her brain is leaking out her ear)

Well, um, they are called bread "sticks", not bread rounds.

Customer:

Bread Sticks! Are supposed to be round!

Jared:

They are supposed to be long, because you know, stick!

Customer:

Whatever! Also, the bill said dipsa, I didn't order dipsa. I ordered breadsticks, no wonder why they aren't round.

Jared:

(I am never thinking nice, positive thoughts at work again! Always bites me in the ass!)

Sigh! That is just what we call our breadsticks. It's just a name and they are still supposed to be long like a stick, not round.

Customer:

Also my Canada Dry Ginger Ale has soda in it!

Jared:

(Jesus FUCK! What is going on here?!)

K, like, seriously, what? It's soda!

Customer:

NO! I ordered Canada Dry Ginger Ale not soda!

Jared:

It is soda! 

Customer:

You're not helping me! 

Jared:

I'm sorry, but there is nothing to help you with!

Customer:

Another thing! I ordered mushroom on the side and it was RAW! I could have died!

Jared:

(Don't think morbid thoughts)

You wouldn't die, people eat uncooked mushrooms all the time. I apologize though, we could have clarified if you wanted them cooked or not. 

Customer:

ALMOST DIED!

Jared:

(OW, shit! I didn't mean to slam my forehead in to my palm that hard in frustration)

No you didn't.

Customer:

Also my Caesar Salad had more lettuce than chicken and the salad didn't have onion or tomato! Could this night get any worse?!

Jared:

(Why yes it could, if I threw dipping sauce at your house. Sigh, the things I wish I could do.)

Okay. Caesar Salad. There is supposed to be more lettuce than chicken. That would be a lot of chicken. Caesar salads don't come with onion and tomato. 

Customer:

YES THEY DO!!! GAAAA! Whenever I make caesar salad I put in onion and tomato. 

Jared:

(Mother fucking, fuck fuck!)

Just because you make it that way, doesn't mean it's supposed to be made that way.

Customer:

So what? You're not going to help me? You're shit at your job!

Jared:

Lets recap here. Breadsticks are meant to be long, not round, hence the name breadsticks. The bill says dipsa, that is just our name for breadsticks. Canada Dry Ginger Ale is soda, always has and always will be. Caesar salad is supposed to have more lettuce that chicken and it doesn't come with onion and tomato. The uncooked mushrooms - I will give you that one. We should have clarified if you wanted cooked or uncooked mushrooms. I can give you a $5 credit for that.

Customer:

$5???? That's all for EVERYTHING that is wrong.

Jared:

One thing is wrong that is all.

Customer:

I'm going to the news!

Jared:

(I wish she was being serious, I would love to see what she looks like)

Okay.

Customer:

No one will ever order from you again after I'm on the news.

Jared:

Okay.

Customer:

Fuck you! *Hangs up*

Jared:

Finally.


Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

Jared:

Customer service Jared speaking.

Customer:

Hi Sharon! Yeah! I placed an order 45 MINUTES AGO!!! I just got it and I didn't get my pop. I got nuts!

Jared:

(I burst out laughing)

I'm sorry for laughing, but you got what?

Customer:

NUTS! I got nuts! It's not funny! I got a bag of nuts.

Jared:

I'm sorry but we don't even sell nuts.

Customer:

I don't know why I got nuts but I did. I want my pop. I can't eat without pop.

Jared:

I am sorry about the nuts. I will get your pop sent out right away.

Customer:

What the hell should I do with these nuts?

Jared:

Ask the driver if he wants his nuts back? 

(I somehow said this without laughing out loud)

Customer:

Fine whatever! 

Co-Worker:

Jared what the hell was that call about, I kept hearing you talk about nuts.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Where do I live?

(If I get one more drunk person I am going to go on a junk punching spree!)

Jared:

Customer service Jared speaking, how may I help you?

Employee:

Hey Jared, I am so sorry. This woman is really drunk and getting really belligerent, she requested to speak to a supervisor.

Jared:

No worries, I am on the drunk line tonight, put her through.

Customer service Jared speaking, how may I help you?

Customer:

Send me a fucking peetha!

Jared:

A peetha?

Customer:

No a peetha!

Jared:

I am going to assume pizza. What is your address please?

Customer:

Um, ah, it's 5555 300th street! It's an aparthment.

Jared:

(Aparthment?? I am going to make myself unconscious. I wonder if I still get paid if I'm sitting here unconscious)

What is the apartment number?

Customer:

I don't fucking know! Send me a fucking pizza!

Jared:

(Don't lose your shit Jared, you have rent to pay!)

I am trying to send you a pizza! I need your apartment number to do so.

Customer:

We don't have apartment numbers, send me a pizza! Pizza now!

Jared:

You must have an apartment number. How do you get mail? Have you looked on the front of your door?

Customer:

Front of boor? That'ssssss tooooooo far! I can't get off the couth!

Jared:

(Jesus fuck, could she slur any more!) 

If you can't get off the couth, I mean couch, how are you going to get your pizza?

Customer:

He can just come in and feed me!

Jared:

Um he's not going to feed you and is your door even unlocked?

Customer:

Um, ah no. He can break it down, it's fine, I need a fucking peetha! 

Jared:

(I'm going to pee on some dough and call it a peetha)

I'm sorry, I can't send you a pizza. I need an apartment number and you need to be able to answer your door.

Customer:

I hate you!

Jared:

Okay. 

Customer:

Fuck you!

Jared:

No.

Customer:

Hangs up!

Jared:

Finally!




Monday, 21 March 2016

Like a Hot Dog without Ketchup

Jared:

Thank you for calling, my name is Jared how can....

Customer:

Yeah man. This is bull shit! I am so sick of this happening. Like it happens all the time, you know what I mean man?

Jared:

No I don't know what you mean, you haven't told me what's wrong.

Customer:

Well you see man, I ordered two fourteen inch pizzas, one with ham and pineapple and one with pepperoni and mushroom. Both regular crust and both with regular sauce. The driver showed up, he rang my door bell, I opened the door and he told me the total was $35. I paid with my debit card and he handed me the food. I brought the food into the kitchen and set it down and the whole order was wrong man. Know what I mean?

Jared:

(WOW, way to get to the point!)

Grrr, no I don't! What is wrong with the order?

Customer:

Sigh, we didn't get our dips.

Jared:

So the order is correct, your just missing your dips.

Customer:

JUST MISSING MY DIPS! Jared, no dipping sauce with your pizza, is like a hot dog without ketchup.

Jared:

(Oh shit now I did it)

First of all, pizza companies haven't always had dipping sauce for their pizza. Secondly wouldn't it make more sense to say a pizza with no pizza sauce, is like a hot dog without ketchup? I can offer you a credit or send out your dips.

Customer:

I want my dips and new pizzas sent out. These pizzas will be cold by the time the dips arrive.

Jared:

(Of course he does, maybe we should also give him a hand job when we drop everything off)

I am unable to send new pizzas as there is nothing wrong with the ones you have. If you are worried about them being cold then I suggest taking the credit.

Customer:

Fine then, there is something wrong with the pizzas, um yeah they are undercooked yeah.

Jared:

No they aren't.

Customer:

Are you calling me a liar???

Jared:

Yes, yes I am. Do you want your dips or not?

Customer:

This is bullshit!

Jared:

Yes it is, so call me back when you decide what you want to do.



Monday, 14 March 2016

Wings Wings Wings

Jared:

Thank you for calling, my name is Jared, how may I help you?

Wing Nut:

I am so upset, I can't believe you messed up my order, my whole night is ruined.

Jared:

I am sorry to hear that, what happened?

Wing Nut:

Well Jared, can you see how many wings I ordered?

Jared:

Um, yes, you ordered a box of 20.

Wing Nut:

Correct! And how many did I receive?

Jared:

Um less than 20?

Wing Nut:

NO! 

Jared:

I'm confused, so what's the issue?

Wing Nut:

I received 26 wings! 26!!!!

Jared: 
(I can tell this is going south fast, I should have went on break ugh!)

Um, well, isn't that a good thing? You received a few extra wings. 

Wing Nut:

Are you kidding me?! Seriously are you kidding me right now?

Jared:

(Oh God, anything I say will be wrong)

Um, no?

Wing Nut: 

I didn't get what I ordered, I only wanted 20 wings!! Not 26, I can't eat 26.

Jared:

So can't you just save the extra 6 for tomorrow?

Wing Nut:

Don't be ridiculous I am not eating left over wings, that is gross!

Jared:

Okay then (WTF!!) so can't you just throw them out?

Wing Nut:

Don't be ridiculous, that is wasteful! Think about all the people who are hungry in this world.

Jared:

Whether you throw them out or not, the hungry people still wouldn't be getting these 6 wings.

Wing Nut:

How dare you! You will come and get these 6 wings so they don't go to waste.

Jared:

But they still will, the shop would just throw them out and if your concerned about being wasteful, the driver has to use gas to drive his car to your house and back.

Wing Nut:

Why wouldn't they just eat them?

Jared:

Maybe they aren't hungry or they don't wan't to eat food that has been in a strangers house. 

Wing Nut:

I will never, EVER, order from YOU guy's AGAIN!

Jared:

Sorry to hear that. (Obviously I'm not and we all know she will call again)

Wing Nut:

I am sure you are! GOODBYE!