Sunday, 20 January 2013

I'm a Philanthropist damn it!


This is a call I had, when I worked in a call centre taking calls for a company that financed credit cards.

Jared:

Thank you for calling, my name is Jared, how may I help you today?

Customer:

Yeah hi there, I was trying to use my Wal-Mart credit card and it was declined. I don't understand why.

Jared:

I can look into that for you. May I have your account number please?

Customer:

6543 1234 4321 5678

Jared:

Your name and social security number please.

Customer:

Trixi Johnson 555-123-5432

Jared:

It shows here we reduced your credit limit from $1000 to $100.

Customer:

What in Gods name is going on here boy. Why the hell would you lower my credit limit! This is my money damn it!

Jared:

It's not your money, we are lending you money. Unfortunately based on your credit report and account history we felt it necessary to lower your credit limit.

Customer:

This is absolutely ridiculous. I want my God damn money back. I need it even though I don't.

Jared:

Huh??

Customer:

I won the genetic lottery, my Grandma croaked and left me millions of dollars.

Jared:

If your a millionaire why do you need the credit card? 
(You probably killed her you crazy bitch)

Customer:

Well it's tied up legally, so I don't technically have the money right now.

Jared:

Mmmhmm. Well unfortunately I can't do anything about your credit limit.

Customer:

This is not right! I need this card to buy my fat friends clothes, I'm a philanthropist damn it!!

Jared:

Umm what haha?

Customer:

You heard me. My fat friends need clothes, you are taking that away from them.

Jared:

Umm, haha I'm sorry about that, but I still can't do anything about it.

Customer:

Can you look up my Sam's Club card, I want to see if that credit limit was lowered.

Jared:

One moment... yes unfortunately it was.

Customer:

God damn it! How am I supposed to buy my poor friends food!

Jared:

Ummm I am not sure, it sounds difficult being a philanthropist. Is there anything else I can help you with today.

Customer:

I guess not. You haven't been helpful at all.

Jared:

I am sorry to hear that. Just a reminder, if you spend $199 or more you get three months of no interest and no payments.

Customer:

Go to hell!

Jared:

Thank you for choosing Wal-Mart, have a wonderful day!



Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Quotes by J HO

The following are things I have said when a customer has made me angry and/or distressed (sometimes said with the mute button on, sometimes with the mute button off):


  • Google it bitch!
  • I hope someone pokes him in the eye with a dirty cock
  • Ugh, they hurt my soul!
  • My brain hurts
  • How do these people make it through daily life
  • They're probably naked, because they can't even dress themselves they are so special
  • I'm gay and I eat meat on my pizza, fucking pansy!
  • Die!!!!
  • Go to fucking hell!!
  • Lick my giant balls!


Thursday, 3 January 2013

Meat Wings

Jared:

Wow it hasn't been busy, what a great day. *Beep*

Customer Service Jared speaking.

Meaty Guy:

Hi I would like to place an order please.

Jared:

(Wow he's so polite how nice)

May I have your phone number and address please?

Meaty Guy:

It is 555-555-5555 and my address is 555 Evergreen Terrace

Jared:

(Wow he didn't give me any issues, how nice, what a great day)

Meaty Guy:

I would like to order some wings please.

Jared:

(Aww he said please, how nice, that is so rare)

Of course sir, how many would you like?

Meaty Guy:

I would like a box of forty wings here, I see in your flyer they are 19.99.

Jared:

(Wow he even did his homework before ordering.)

That is correct sir, what flavour would you like?

Meaty Guy:

I would like the meat flavoured wings please.

Jared:

Huh?

Meaty Guy:

The meat flavoured wings please.

Jared:

(I slam my face into the palm of my hand)
I don't understand. All the flavours are meat. They are all chicken wings. You need to choose what type of sauce you would like on your "meat wings"

Meaty Guy:

I want the fucking meat fucking flavoured fucking wings okay?

Jared:

(So much for the nice guy)

There is no such thing as meat flavour okayyyyy? Do you want bbq, teriyaki, hot or breaded?

Meaty Guy:

Are you fucking stupid, I want the meat flavour!!! I can't be anymore clear boy!

Jared:

Listen boy! There is no such thing as meat flavour! Do you mean you want the wings with no sauce and no breading?

Meaty Guy:

YES! That's what I have been saying!

Jared:

NO YOU HAVENT!!! GAAAA I HATE MY LIFE!! Your order will be out to you in, oh who cares whenever it gets there. Good bye!!!!

Meaty Guy:

You don't have to get so mad, they're just wings man. Have a pleasant night.

Jared:

GAAAAAAAAA!!


Saturday, 29 December 2012

I'm Fucking Agitated

Jared:

La la la, I hate all customers, I want to kick them all in the junk, la la la. *Beep*

Customer Service Jared speaking, how can I help you today?

Mr. Agitated:

Yeah, hi! I ordered a pizza, like a week ago and you tried to kill me.

Jared:

(Damn it didn't work)

Oh I am so sorry sir, what happened?

Mr. Agitated:

I ordered a double pepperoni pizza and it came with mushrooms! I am deathly allergic! DEATHLY!!

Jared:

You don't need to yell, chill out.

Mr. Agitated:

So anyways I called that night and I was told I could have a replacement next time.

Jared:

We only do replacements the same night. We would have offered you a credit. How much did we tell you we would credit?

Mr. Agitated:

Um, I guess the full amount, yeah that's it.

Jared:

WRONG! We would have offered you half off your next order. Also there is no record of you calling back to complain.

Mr. Agitated:

Ugh! This is fucking bullshit!

Jared:

Sir, I would appreciate it if you could remain professional and not use profanity. (I love saying that, it makes them so mad tee hee)

Mr. Agitated:

I'm the customer damn it! I can talk how I fucking want to! I'm getting fucking agitated! I'm fucking agitated man.

Jared:

On the caller ID it says your are calling from a religious place. I don't think God likes you talking like that.

Mr. Agitated:

What the fuck did you say to me??

Jared:

I have to go now, tee hee.

Mr. Agitated:

Don't you dare fucking hang up on me!

*Click*


Sunday, 23 December 2012

Rules for Ordering Pizza

1) Know where you are! If you want a pizza delivered you need an address. Don't tell me your on the corner of this avenue and that street. I understand you need to make a living hooking, but the we don't deliver to the corner.

2) Know your phone number! If we run out of an item or the driver can't find your address we may need to call you. I understand your probably at your one night stands house, but we the phone number.

3) Don't ask me what kinds of two topping pizzas we have. When we over twenty toppings to choose from, it's going to take me a day to list off every combination.

4) Know what you want! Don't hum and haw, especially after you bitched about being on hold for 5 minutes. If it takes you 10 minutes to order then you are making other people wait! If you don't choose I will send you a triple anchovy pizza with pubes!

5) Don't hold your screaming baby right next to the phone! I didn't tell you to get knocked up, get that screaming devil child away from my ear drum!

6) Don't piss or shit with me on the phone! Your lucky I don't come and piss and shit on your face!

7) Don't go on and on about hour our pizza sucks but then you proceed to place a fifty dollar order. It obviously can't be that bad you obese mother fucker!

8) Don't have sexual relations on the phone while ordering pizza. I don't need to hear you grunting, groaning and giggling. Your disgusting you perverts!

9) Don't tell me I'm gay, I already know this. I am not interested in your closeted redneck ass!

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Customer Retention Cartoon


Racism Vs. Discrimination

Jared:

(The last customer I had called me a faggot, hopefully the next customer is nice and normal...)

Customer service Jared speaking, how can I help you?

Idiot:

Um like hi, how can you help me? HOW CAN YOU HELP MEEEEE???

Jared:

(OW my freaking ear! I didn't know a man could squeal that high)

Yes, I asked how I can help you.

Idiot:

Oh, I will tell you, how you can help me. You totally forgot my dipping sauce. YOU ALWAYS FORGET MY DIPPING SAUCE!


Jared:

(Awww his life is so rough, little bitch)

Oh my sir, I am so so sorry. That is quite unfortunate. Would you like us to rush that dipping sauce out to you immediately?

Idiot:

UNFORTUNATE?! Damn right it's unfortunate! You will not only rush out my dipping sauce, you will also send me a new pizza.

Jared:

I am sorry, but I am not going to send you out a new pizza for a missing dipping sauce. That is an unreasonable request. I can either put a five dollar credit on your account or send out your dipping sauce. 

Idiot:

This is unacceptable! You are refusing to help me, you are being racist!

Jared:

(GAAAA! That's it I'm hanging myself with my headset cord!)

I don't know even know where to start. First! I am not refusing to help you, I have given you options to choose from. You have not chosen from those said options. Second! How am I being racist? I can't see your skin color through the phone cord!

Idiot:

Skin color?? What are you talking about? You are being racist because you hate gay people. 

Jared:

Sigh, you mean discriminating not racism. Gay is not a race. I had no idea you are gay, also I am gay. Either way, why are we talking about our sexual orientation? Do you want your dips or not?

Idiot:

You are totally just back pedalling! You just don't want to get in trouble for being racist against me. You aren't gay, you just said that so I won't complain.

Jared:

I work for a pizza company, I don't need to defend my sexuality. I am putting a credit on your account.

Idiot:

Fine whatever! I am so going to the news!

Jared:

Excellent I will put on a suit.

Idiot:

Bitch!

Jared:

Byeeeee