Sunday, 7 August 2016

Figure It Out!

Jared:

Why? Why can't people know what they want to order before calling? Why can't they listen to the specials on the recording? Why do they think it's okay to complain for 5 minutes about how long they waited and are therefore making others wait? Why do they put burp in my ear? Why do they... *Beep*

Customer Service Jared speaking, if you don't know what you want I am going to cut my balls off and punch myself in the face. How may I help you today? (Okay, okay I didn't say the middle part out loud)

Customer:

I would like to order a pizza. *Burp*

Jared:

(That was lovely. So classy)

What kind of pizza would you like?

Customer:

The kind you eat, hahahahahahahahahaha.

Jared:

Oh haha, clever, I haven't heard that before. (I'm on the 16th floor I'm jumping!)

So what kind of pizza would you like?

Customer:

What are your specials?

Jared:

Was there a special on the recording you were interested in?

Customer:

I don't have time for the recording. And speaking of time, could I have been waiting any longer? Like seriously! I was on hold for like 10 minutes. 

(Our longest call waiting was about 3 minutes)

Waiting 10 minutes to order a pizza is fucking ridiculous I tell you. The pizza could have been half way here if you jack assess could answer your phone faster. I'm the customer and I shouldn't have to be waiting that long. Hold on a minute my other line.... *beep*

Jared:

(Are you fucking kidding me! You go on this stupid rant, put me on hold to answer your other line just after you complained about how long you had to hold! GAAAA! I wish I had a button on my phone and I could send her an electrical shock!)

Customer:

Hi! Hi!? Helllooooo? Are you still there? Hello!!!

Jared:

YES! I'm still here. (Thanks for giving me a chance to answer you moldy dick!)

Customer:

Could you tell me the specials already?!

Jared:

(I list the damn specials to her) 

What would you like to order?

Customer:

I will get a giganto ham and pineapple and a giganto pepperoni and mushroom

Jared:

What's a giganto? We have 9, 12 and 14 inch.

Customer:

For fuck sakes! I want a giganto okay! I ordered it last time.

Jared:

Grrrr. We have 9, 12 and 14 inch. We have never had a giganto size.

Customer:

Did you just growl at me? Anyways, give me the 14 inch then! I don't know why you have to make this so fucking hard!

Jared:

(Holy fuckity fuck fuck! I deserve a nobel peace prize for not being a murderer)

Would you like thick or regular crust?

Customer:

Yes please.

Jared:

No, you need to choose one.

Customer:

Choose what?

Jared:

The CRUST! Do you want thick or regular?

Customer:

Yes please.

Jared:

(I think I might actually start crying)

Regular crust it is then.

Do you want to order anything else?

Customer:

Yes please.

Jared:

What else would you like to order?

Customer:

I don't want to order anything else, can I just have the price? Holy fuck, why is this so hard?!

Jared:

(That's the eternal question isn't it? Why is it so fucking hard?! WHY!? My co workers are staring at me because I'm stomping my feet and slamming my fist on the cubicle)

Your total is $28.75, will that be cash, credit or debit?

Customer:

Yes please.

Jared:

(I just can't even, like what do I even say anymore)

Yes please to what? You need to make a choice. Would you like to choose cash, would you like to choose credit card or would you like to choose debit card? I need a selection, not yes please.

Customer:

Holy fuck dude calm down, I don't know what you're getting so worked up over. Wait, what was the total again?

Jared:

Your total is $28.75

Customer:

Oh never mind, that's too expensive, I don't want it. *Click*

Jared:

What in the actual fuck?! GAAAAAAA!







Monday, 23 May 2016

Lay Away

Jared: 

Customer Service Jared speaking, how can I help you?

Customer:

Yeah so that first person who answered the phone, what an idiot! All I want to know is, do you have a pizza lay away program?

Jared:

(OW! I slammed my head on the desk too hard. I guess I'm the idiot)

Sigh. Are you being serious?

Customer:

Yeah I'm being serious. I can't afford pizza but want some, can I pay later?

Jared:

(Mother effing, eff, why do I get these people? WHY?!)

That wouldn't be lay away, you're asking for a loan. We are not pizza financial services. 

Customer:

Listen jackass, it would be lay away! Are you stupid or something?

Jared:

(Hmmm his address is close by, I could go dip his house)

Lay away would be when you make payments on a product and when you paid in full for said product you get to take that product. So what you're asking for then, is that you want to make payments over a period of time to then get a pizza at a later date. 

If you are wanting a pizza now, then you are asking to take the pizza and pay us later, which is essentially a loan. Either way, we don't do either. You want pizza you pay! No pay, no pizza for you!

Customer:

You need to get laid or something you pissy pants!

Jared:

Sadly I agree with you.

Customer:

Um...

Jared:

Good bye!

Customer:

Awkward... *click*


Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Same As Last Time and The Burp

I hate people. I was walking to Subway on my lunch break, thinking to myself, if I get one more stupid customer, I am going to lose my shit. As I'm walking, this lady jumps in front of this man and burps in his face. WTF!? 

I am thankful it wasn't me. I am now standing at the crosswalk waiting for the light to change. I hear foot steps quickly approaching behind me. I turn around and "BURP", she burps in my fucking face. Then she jumps into traffic. People driving, slam on their breaks, she adopts a wide stance and burps. She gives everyone the middle finger and runs away. For the amount of weird people I attract, I must have been a horrible person in a past life.

I get back to work and put my ball and chain back on, I mean headset. *beep*

Jared:

Customer Service Jared speaking how may I help you?

Customer:

Customer service, HA! More like customer crap!

Jared:

(I'm going to crap on his face)

Oh, ha ha, so clever. How can I help you?

Customer:

I want to file a complaint. I am sick and tired of the horrendous service I receive.

Jared:

I am so sorry to hear that (said in monotone voice and said while trying to eat a pickle from my sub)

Customer:

Why do you think it's acceptable to ask me if I want the same as last time?

Jared:

Um, because a lot of people order the same as last time. It's not a big deal, you can just say no to the question.

Customer:

NOT A BIG DEAL!? IT IS A BIG DEAL! I am the CUSTOMER and I am ALWAYS RIGHT!

Jared:

(I am going to rub this jalapeƱo on the tip of my penis, that would be much more enjoyable at this point)

I disagree, but anyways. We ask it, because the majority of our customers appreciate that we ask it. 

(We ask it because people are to stupid to decide what they want to order)

Customer:

You shouldn't paint all people with the same brush Jeff!

Jared:

(I was going to correct him, but I don't want him to know my name)

I just looked back at your last 10 orders, which were all ordered in the last 6 days, by the way and each time you ordered one ham and pineapple and one pepperoni and mushroom. So you do get the same as last time, every time. The question should work well for you!

Customer:

You suck at your job.

Jared:

If you say so.

Customer:

I am going to get you fired.

Jared:

Would you like the phone number for head office?

Customer:

NO! I will find it myself. You will now place an order for me!

Jared:

Would you like the same as last time?

Hello?

Hello?

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

You wronged me - so I stole

Jared:

(I can't go on. People are so dumb. Please let the phone lines crash, please!) *Beep* (Mother effing)

Sigh, Jared speaking, how can I help you.

Customer:

Are all your drivers idiots? ARE THEY?

Jared:

(Time to hang myself with the headset cord. Don' take the bait, don't take the bait)

What seems to be the issue sir?

Customer:

You didn't answer my fucking question, you fucker.

Jared:

(Should I tell him I am a fucker? A fucker of men's butts. No, I need to pay the bills,sigh)

I'm sorry if our driver did something to make you angry. Can you please tell me what it is, so I can address it accordingly.

Customer:

What did he dooooo!?

Jared:

Yes sir, that is what I asked.

Customer:

Oh! Oh! I will tell you what he did!

Jared:

Please do.

Customer:

I don't know how many times I told you fuck-tards to not go to the house, to go to the garage. Your stupid driver went to the house, woke up my landlord and now I'm going to get evicted.

Jared:

I am really sorry to hear that, I do see we wrote to go to the garage not the house. I am so sorry for the confusion. I will let the store manager know what happened so he can follow up with the driver.

Customer:

You think an apology is going to find me a new place to live? Also I took the food and didn't pay because of what he did.

Jared:

No I don't. (That would be a talented apology)

Not paying for the food was not the correct thing to do, that is theft. (Why does everyone thing stealing is the answer when they've been wronged?)

Could you tell your landlord what happened, if you look on your bill, it says, go to garage not house, you could show that to him.

Customer:

That's not going to do anything you fuck-tard!

Jared:

I am sorry your landlord doesn't sound like a reasonable person.

Customer:

What did you say to me?

Jared:

I mean I can put a credit of file for the inconvenience. 

Customer:

Are you going to give me a credit for first months rent and damage deposit?

Jared:

No.

Customer:

Then what good is a credit you fuck-tard!

Jared:

(I am going to fuck-tard him through a wall)

It will allow you to purchase more food. 

Customer:

Why would I ever order from you again?

Jared:

Well your file shows you have ordered from us 125 times, and the last 3 times in a row you complained we didn't go to the garage. So you will probably order from us again.

Customer:

I want your manager!

Jared:

They are available Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm.

Customer:

Fuck you! Your ass is mine!

Jared:

Oooh.

Customer:

Fag!

Jared:

Correct.

Customer:

*Click*

Jared:

Time to go drown myself in the toilet.


Tuesday, 19 April 2016

The Recording Was Rude

Jared:

Only 1 minute till I'm done, please don't let me get a... *Beep*

Customer Service Jared speaking how may I help you?


Customer:

Yeah hi, I have a complaint!

Jared:

I am sorry to hear that. What happened?

Customer:

That lady on the recording was rude to me!

Jared:

Um what? Do you mean the person who just transferred you?

Customer:

NO! The lady on the recording, she was rude to me.

Jared:

(Guess I'm not catching my bus)

Um, okay. I don't even, how was the lady on the recording rude to you?

Customer:

She kept interrupting me.

Jared:

(Deep breath)

Um, so, you were trying to have a conversation with the recording?

Customer:

YES! Are you stupid?

Jared:

(Oh the things I want to say right now. I don't even know how not to sound condescending)

No I am not stupid, thank you. 

(Damn it, I took the bait)

If it's a recording, how did you expect to have a conversation with it.

Customer:

What the hell do you mean? I was talking and she rudely interrupted me.

Jared:

But she is not real, it is a recording, as you said. If it's a recording how can it stop and interact with you?

Customer:

What is this nonsense you are spewing? I spoke and she interrupted me. Got it?!

Jared:

(I am going to spew on his face! I don't know whether to cry, punch myself in the face or quit)

SIR! What do you want from me?

Customer:

I just want a freaking apology. 

Jared:

I'm sorry.
(Sorry your such an idiot!)

Customer:

And a free order for next time.

Jared:

(And there we go, what a shocker)

I will pass your feedback along.

Customer:

That's all!?!

Jared:

Yes

Customer:

No!

Jared:

Yes

Customer:

I'm going to get you fired!

Jared:

(Haven't heard that one before)

Okay.

Customer:

Fuck you! *Click*

Jared:

Of course he hung up, right as my bus is supposed to go by. He did fuck me. 


Monday, 11 April 2016

My breadsticks should be round!

Jared:

(So excited, I have two days off in a row for once. One hour left to go in my shift and I've only had that 1 weirdo so far. I can do this!)

Customer Service Jared speaking, how may I help you? 

Customer:

Um yeah, hi!

Jared:

Hello.

Customer:

HI!

Jared:

Hi

Customer:

I am so mad right now. Like so mad. My whole order is wrong. I can't believe this!

Jared:

(Let me guess, we forgot 1 dipping sauce and now her whole order is wrong)

Oh my, I am so sorry to hear that. What is wrong with your order?

Customer:

Oh my God! Where do I even start? First of all my breadsticks aren't round!

Jared:

I am sorry you didn't get your dipping.... um, I mean what?

Customer:

I SAID! My breadsticks aren't round!

Jared:

(Deep breath)

Um what? Why would they be round?

Customer:

Are you stupid??? Why wouldn't they be round, they are supposed to be round!

Jared:

(Be nice, be nice, maybe her brain is leaking out her ear)

Well, um, they are called bread "sticks", not bread rounds.

Customer:

Bread Sticks! Are supposed to be round!

Jared:

They are supposed to be long, because you know, stick!

Customer:

Whatever! Also, the bill said dipsa, I didn't order dipsa. I ordered breadsticks, no wonder why they aren't round.

Jared:

(I am never thinking nice, positive thoughts at work again! Always bites me in the ass!)

Sigh! That is just what we call our breadsticks. It's just a name and they are still supposed to be long like a stick, not round.

Customer:

Also my Canada Dry Ginger Ale has soda in it!

Jared:

(Jesus FUCK! What is going on here?!)

K, like, seriously, what? It's soda!

Customer:

NO! I ordered Canada Dry Ginger Ale not soda!

Jared:

It is soda! 

Customer:

You're not helping me! 

Jared:

I'm sorry, but there is nothing to help you with!

Customer:

Another thing! I ordered mushroom on the side and it was RAW! I could have died!

Jared:

(Don't think morbid thoughts)

You wouldn't die, people eat uncooked mushrooms all the time. I apologize though, we could have clarified if you wanted them cooked or not. 

Customer:

ALMOST DIED!

Jared:

(OW, shit! I didn't mean to slam my forehead in to my palm that hard in frustration)

No you didn't.

Customer:

Also my Caesar Salad had more lettuce than chicken and the salad didn't have onion or tomato! Could this night get any worse?!

Jared:

(Why yes it could, if I threw dipping sauce at your house. Sigh, the things I wish I could do.)

Okay. Caesar Salad. There is supposed to be more lettuce than chicken. That would be a lot of chicken. Caesar salads don't come with onion and tomato. 

Customer:

YES THEY DO!!! GAAAA! Whenever I make caesar salad I put in onion and tomato. 

Jared:

(Mother fucking, fuck fuck!)

Just because you make it that way, doesn't mean it's supposed to be made that way.

Customer:

So what? You're not going to help me? You're shit at your job!

Jared:

Lets recap here. Breadsticks are meant to be long, not round, hence the name breadsticks. The bill says dipsa, that is just our name for breadsticks. Canada Dry Ginger Ale is soda, always has and always will be. Caesar salad is supposed to have more lettuce that chicken and it doesn't come with onion and tomato. The uncooked mushrooms - I will give you that one. We should have clarified if you wanted cooked or uncooked mushrooms. I can give you a $5 credit for that.

Customer:

$5???? That's all for EVERYTHING that is wrong.

Jared:

One thing is wrong that is all.

Customer:

I'm going to the news!

Jared:

(I wish she was being serious, I would love to see what she looks like)

Okay.

Customer:

No one will ever order from you again after I'm on the news.

Jared:

Okay.

Customer:

Fuck you! *Hangs up*

Jared:

Finally.


Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

Jared:

Customer service Jared speaking.

Customer:

Hi Sharon! Yeah! I placed an order 45 MINUTES AGO!!! I just got it and I didn't get my pop. I got nuts!

Jared:

(I burst out laughing)

I'm sorry for laughing, but you got what?

Customer:

NUTS! I got nuts! It's not funny! I got a bag of nuts.

Jared:

I'm sorry but we don't even sell nuts.

Customer:

I don't know why I got nuts but I did. I want my pop. I can't eat without pop.

Jared:

I am sorry about the nuts. I will get your pop sent out right away.

Customer:

What the hell should I do with these nuts?

Jared:

Ask the driver if he wants his nuts back? 

(I somehow said this without laughing out loud)

Customer:

Fine whatever! 

Co-Worker:

Jared what the hell was that call about, I kept hearing you talk about nuts.